by Dionne Meehan
A WOMAN who was sexually assaulted by a Donegal taxi driver after a night out in Letterkenny when she was 18-years-old, is calling for reform after waiting seven years for justice.
Paul Bryan (63) of The Bungalow, Newtowncunningham, admitted two charges of sexual assault by penetration and sexual assault on October 22, 2017.
He was jailed on Monday of this week at Derry Crown Court.
After years of being silenced, the sexual assault survivor spoke to the Donegal News this week about how the attack has changed her life forever.
“For seven years I have had to keep quiet, waiting to allow justice and the legal system to do its job.
“I used to think that monsters did not exist, but they walk among us and drive taxis.
“The same year I wore my school uniform for the last time, and on my first ever night out with my workmates, that monster took every bit of dignity and hope from me.
“He did the complete opposite of what any decent human would do to an unconscious girl.
“He was over 30 years older than me, older than my dad.
“It makes my skin crawl,” she said.
She recalled the hours that followed the attack in painstaking detail.
“I lay on a steel autopsy table, still alive, being swabbed and photographed by adults I didn’t know, going through interviews and talking about evidence.
“I felt like I was on trial.
“The most uncomfortable thing that he ever had to go through was interviews, (telling) continuous lies and hoping no one found out about who he really is,” she said.
Before the attack, the sexual assault survivor was an international sports competitor who travelled the world.
But now, she says she can no longer venture outside her safe spaces.
“I can’t do things that girls my age do, like go out shopping in crowded places.
“A night out is something that I will probably never do again.
“I have struggled to make friends and interact with people.
“This has made me everything that I didn’t want to be.
“I am a girl who is so scared of everyone, who thinks the worst in people, because I have experienced the worst,” she said.
This attack has left her suffering daily with anxiety and emotionally unstable personality disorder, a core trauma caused disorder.
“I am registered disabled,” she said.
“That is what this caused, a life-long debilitating disability.
“I have a weekly therapist at the highest support outside an inpatient setting.
“She provides me with Dialectical Behaviour Therapy and will be providing me with trauma therapy to try and cope,” she said.
Despite many praising her for her bravery, she said she does not feel brave.
“They commended me for my bravery, but I didn’t do it for bravery.
“I did it to protect other people.
“For years I tried to take my life, hiding myself from the world because I believed everyone looked at me like prey.
“I couldn’t let this happen to someone else.
NIGHTMARES
“This was never about me and getting ‘justice’ for me, because no matter what happens, nothing will take away what he did to me.
“Nothing will stop the nightmares or the constant anxiety.
“I have spent years not letting myself get upset or cry because I have to be strong, that’s what I keep getting told.
“I never asked to be strong, I was dealt such horrible cards and often I wish that man finished me off that night because it feels crueller that he kept me alive with these memories.
“I do not try to be over the top when I say I will never get a chance to see the woman I could have become.
“I don’t want to have my own children because I feel I can’t protect them from this world.
“This crime is the most devastating thing that can happen to someone.
“I feel that everyone’s lives go on, even my families, while I’m stuck in that night, in that taxi.
“I am living a life sentence as a girl who hasn’t even yet begun her life,” she said.
But instead of letting what happened hold her back, it has spurred her to return to night school.
STUDYING LAW
Now studying Law in University, she strives to promote awareness and campaigns to help other women.
“I’ve had ups and downs, but I’ve always thought, ‘what if I save someone else?’
“I will never be able to understand why he did this to me, and I have spent years going through feelings of hatred and acceptance, to actually feeling guilty that I am putting someone in jail.
“If my attacker wanted to be viewed as a good person, he should have been a good person.
“I am finally getting to a point where I want to be alive, and for as long as I am alive, I will not be silenced anymore,” she said.
Urging more sexual assault victims to speak out, she ensured that if you come forward, you are treated with the utmost respect and belief.
“I was scared,” she said.
“I didn’t want to talk about it.
“But, as soon as I met with the police, they made me feel believed from day one.
“These officers are parents and they want to help.
“They want to have these people held to justice.
“They have nieces, they have nephews, they are here to protect the community and they want what we want, to put these people away,” she concluded.
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