Parenting: ‘My ten-year-old son says he wants to be a girl’

Letterkenny Babies Facebook page often receives messages of a sensitive nature, and I am glad that people feel the page is a safe space where they can reach out for advice on a diverse range of topics.

One mum recently wrote: “I have a wee boy, aged ten, honestly the best kid you will ever meet; so open, genuine, really funny and confident. He is quite feminine. All his friends at school are girls and he loves all things girly. I never stand in the way of this.

“Lately, he has been saying things like ‘I want to get my nails done and go to a nail salon’. I flat out said no, because I am not going to set him up for being bullied at school.

“Yesterday he said, ‘Mum, I really want to be a girl.’ Inside, my heart crumbled and I didn’t say anything until I gathered my thoughts and gave it an hour. Then I went in and had a chat with him. I wanted to understand why he’s feeling this way and his reply was because he wants long hair.

“I explained to him that he will never be a girl, gender wise, and having long hair won’t make him a girl (and please, this is no disrespect to anyone who is trans.)

“We cried together. I told him I am his mum and will always have his best interests at heart and want him to be true to himself, no matter what, but I will always be realistic as well.

“He’s a mature cub, he understands.

“I feel really lost and confused and don’t know how to navigate this in the world we live in. Has anyone been in this kind of situation? Should I take him to therapy? Any advice would be greatly appreciated by a very worried mammy.”

Page members responded with stellar advice and also praised the mum for handling the situation well.

One member commented: “This is so hard. Well done for listening to him and seeking advice rather than just shutting down the conversation.

“Firstly, is there any harm in letting him grow his hair a little? Maybe he just wants to be able to brush it and style it. It doesn’t have to be ‘long’ long to do that.

“Secondly, let him paint his nails at home, or you paint them for him. It might be a good opportunity to have more conversations.

“If you are overly worried about school, ask him to remove the polish when at school – most schools have rules about polish anyway.

“Let him experiment at home and discover if this is actually what he wants. He might turn around and decide it’s all too much bother!

“Tell him that, in the meantime, home is his safe space to discover what makes him happy. Don’t imply he has to keep himself hidden away at home but tell him you love him and you want him to build his confidence at home.

“As he’s fairly mature, you could admit to him that you’re not sure how best to guide him and ask him if he wants to talk to someone with experience (in terms of therapy). Don’t suggest he needs therapy though – he’s not doing anything wrong.”

Another member added: “It’s no big deal how anyone chooses to identify really. It’s an individual’s own choice and not for others to comment on.

“In an ideal world, everyone would mind their own business on what anyone looks like. I wish you and your child happiness navigating this. It does not have to be as complicated as some people make it.”