By Louise Flanagan
My oldest child is eleven years old and I can feel the pull of her friends starting to take hold.
She has a great bunch of pals and I know that leaning more on them is a natural part of growing up. However, there seems to be a general consensus that for parents, the teenage years are far harder to navigate than the toddler years. I’m bracing myself for impact.
Letterkenny Babies received a message from a mum who is facing that reality. The message read: “My daughter is in 6th class and goes to quite a small school. Recently she told me that another girl in her class vapes. My daughter was very shocked and of the opinion that her friend was making a big mistake by vaping.
“Rightly or wrongly, I decided not to tell the child’s parents about it because I have no proof and I don’t know them well. Also, from past experience, I know that unsolicited information like this can backfire on the messenger (or on my daughter) and I don’t want that to happen.
“I told my mum all about it over a cuppa and she advised me not to let my daughter hang around with this child anymore, as she will be a bad influence on her.
“I don’t think it’s right for me to try to control my daughter’s friendships to that extent. I’d rather be there to guide her and hopefully keep her on the right path.
My mother thinks I’m being very naive and that protecting my daughter from bad influences is an important part of good child rearing.
“My head is all over the place about it. Should I be trying to keep her away from this child? Or am I doing right by explaining to her that other people in her social circles will often make bad choices and she has to learn to say no?”
The comments section reassured the poster – and me – that she had reacted well to the situation:
“Policing friends too much will definitely backfire. It’s a great thing that your kid was able to tell you about this and trusts you enough to talk about it with you. You don’t want to give your kid a reason to lie to you or hide things from you and that is a possibility if you try to ban friendships, especially in a small school.”
Another member added: “Your daughter came to you and told you about the vaping, so that shows that you have a lot of trust and communication between you, which is good.
“I would explain the dangers of vaping and say that you hope she is clever enough not to vape herself, regardless of what her friend does.
“I wouldn’t try to stop her being friends with this girl. Better to let her make her own choices when it comes to her friends.
“Just be there to guide her and remind her that she can always come to you to talk about everything and anything.”
Some members did feel that the poster should inform the child’s parents about the vaping:
“Funny, as a mum, I’d appreciate being told if my daughter is vaping; then I can attempt to dissuade her from doing it. Too many people keep quiet nowadays when they should be speaking up.”
While I appreciate this point of view, I’d be worried about breaking my daughter’s trust here. And without proof, you can never be too sure how the parents might react to your ‘accusations’.
Raising concerns with the teacher was a popular suggestion too.
“You could have a quiet word with the teacher about the possibility of vaping among students in the class. You don’t have to name names, but it might lead to healthy discussions on the topic.”
There was plenty of food for thought for the mum. Trust between parents and young teens can be fragile, but keeping channels of communication open is paramount.
Louise Flanagan is an admin of Letterkenny Babies Facebook page and the author of the children’s book series Dragonterra and Dream Beasts. www.dragonterra.ie
Her column features every Thursday in the Donegal News
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