Louise Flanagan’s parenting column features every Thursday in the Donegal News.
It’s human nature for us to be a bit nosy sometimes, and to speculate about others. For instance, when a couple that has been together for five years goes on a mini-break to Paris, their nearest and dearest might wonder if they’ll come back engaged; that sort of thing.
Really, we should pass no such remarks, but in reality, we do.
When it comes to newlyweds starting a family, some people tend to overstep the mark, asking questions about their plans to start a family.
Recently, Letterkenny Babies Facebook page received a message on this topic: ‘I have been married for a few years and I am in my early thirties. We have been trying to conceive for a while now and unfortunately it hasn’t happened for us yet. I am trying to be patient but will go for tests if we don’t have news soon.
“I’m writing though in the hope of reminding people not to speculate so much about other people’s pregnancy journeys. So many friends and family have asked us outright ‘when will we hear the pitter patter of little feet?’
“I try to smile politely but I find it really upsetting inside. They don’t realise it is on my mind every day and seem to be urging me to get a move on, even though I’d love nothing more than to be pregnant already.
“I have also noticed that people pass remarks when I drink alcohol – oh, she must not be pregnant then so – or when I decide not to. I see the excitement on their faces like maybe I’m pregnant and it’s early days.
“All the speculation is so intrusive and unnecessary.
“I am sure this situation is not unique to me, so I would like to raise awareness that it is very upsetting for the couple under scrutiny. I hope I have news to share soon, but in the meantime, I’d love for friends and family to back off a bit.”
The post garnered lots of empathy, with many people agreeing that such scrutiny can add an extra dimension of stress to the heartache of fertility issues experienced by many couples.
One page member wrote, “I remember getting these comments in the midst of recurrent miscarriages and hospital visits. Even though people meant no harm, it was so upsetting and I felt like asking them if they had any idea.
“Although I would speculate myself as to why someone might not have kids, I’d never say it. Going through it certainly made me think twice and you never know what others are going through. I hope you get there in the end.”
Other page members advised her not to wait too long before seeking professional help – both for herself and her husband.
“Go and get tests and assistance if needed. I would say to you, don’t leave it if it’s been going on for more than six months. Be proactive if you want a family. Don’t be scared, because the end result is unbelievable.
“In relation to other people, I can say let it in one ear and out the other, but it’s easier said than done. I just smiled and walked away from constant comments.”
Some posters suggested she should confront people who question her about her family plans.
One wrote: “I have been there. I just began saying that actually it’s not easy for everyone to fall pregnant. Most people were so embarrassed and apologetic afterwards which wasn’t the intention. I just wanted them to be aware and maybe think before they speak next time.
“I had my first baby at 32 and now have three more young children after ten years of trying and three miscarriages. I hope it all works out for you too.”
The post serves as a reminder of something we already know: if there’s news, we’ll hear it. Until then, no guesses.
