'Mum is still mum and we'll never stop loving her'

Paula Harkin and Michelle Duffy with their beautiful mum Kathleen. Kathleen was diagnosed with dementia earlier this year. Her family have opened up about life living with the illness.

WHEN Michelle Duffy’s dad told her that her mum had “gone cuckoo”, she didn’t believe him.

Then in April this year 86-year-old Kathleen was diagnosed with vascular dementia, a disease that can cause memory loss as well as problems with thinking and language.

Kathleen’s story was just one of those to emerge during the launch of Donegal’s latest Alzheimer Cafe, opened in Ballybofey last week.

Despite her diagnosis, Pettigo-born Kathleen continues to smile and enjoy herself, thanks largely to the support of her family.

Revealing what life has been like living with dementia, daughter Michelle says, “Dad noticed it at first, that she was losing her memory. But when I came in everyday at noon she would be fine so I didn’t believe him.

“It was only when dad passed away on March 12 that I realised he was right. I felt terrible because he had told me several times that mum had gone cuckoo and I had told him to stop telling lies. But he was there night and day when I wasn’t.”

Michael ‘Mick’ Duffy was born in Ballybofey but moved to Glasgow at a young age for work. It was there he met the woman he would marry and spend the next 63 years with.
“They both worked on the buses,” reveals Michelle.

“They gave out tickets and one day mum broke her pencil. Dad had a sharpener and offered to sharpen her pencil if she went out to the pictures with him.

“He had gone to Scotland looking for a Scottish woman and he ended up with one from Donegal. They lived in Scotland for over 40 years before coming back here to retire.”

A bread maker of some note, Kathleen Duffy’s culinary talents made her quite the hit with her Glasgow neighbours.

“Mum always worked and with five girls and one boy, she looked after everyone. And she was the best bread maker. There was a bread strike one time in Scotland and she made bread for the whole street. The neighbours would be knocking the door asking ‘Mrs Duffy, can we have some of your Irish bread’. She was some case,” laughs Michelle.

It was Kathleen who found her husband when he passed away earlier this year and according to her family, the shock has exacerbated her illness.

With her memory fading, it is Kathleen who is increasingly reliant on others to look after her.

“It comes in waves,” says her daughter.

“Some mornings she thinks I’m a nurse while by dinner time I’m her daughter again. Dad would have said the same, at teatime he was her husband but someone else in the morning.
“I’ve seen days where she has told me I’m very good at my job and that St Joseph’s must have sent me out. I just laugh and say ‘yes mum, St Joseph’s sent me’. Sometimes when I’ve changed my clothes she will ask me if the other lady has gone.

“It’s hard but at times you have to smile and get on with it. It is sad because she notices she is making mistakes and she gets embarrassed by it.”

Comedian Conal Gallen and Volunteer Chair of the Alzheimer’s Society, Donegal branch, Alastair McKinney, cutting the ribbon on the new Alzheimer Cafe in Ballybofey.

Michelle says the new Alzheimer Cafe will be a vital resource as she and her family face into the future with dementia.

“I did read up on it and it says that if you eat healthily – nuts, white chicken, fish, potatoes – it helps the brain. I’ve been doing that and I do notice mum coming back to me.

“The plan is to keep her healthy and keep her busy. We’ve been advised too to show her photographs and some days she can name everyone in them. She doesn’t like looking at ones with my dad in them though because they make her sad.

“This cafe, it will help us understand the illness more. I thought I was the only one dealing with this but when you look here today, there are lots of other in the same situation.

“It has been a tough year and we all miss dad terribly. It’s only now we are realising the work he was doing but mum is still mum, we love her and we will all be here for her.”

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